Overcoming Jerks (and toxic culture)
by Phil Mott, with comments and tips from Dr. Aurora Dawn Benton
One of the positive effects that the COVID-19 crisis has had on the restaurant industry has been the calling out of chefs, restaurant managers, and owners for abusive behavior, racism and sexual harassment. Every industry and workplace can be home to this type of behavior, but a restaurant seems to be a special breeding ground for this. Tension-filled hours, pressure-packed service, hot environment, crazy atmosphere, adrenaline rushes, and grinding work are a normal part of the job. Combine this with long hours and keeping needy customers happy and you have a situation ripe for abuse.
There are many restaurants that provide supportive, enriching experiences for their staff. Unfortunately, there are still plenty of places that subscribe to abuse as a key element of their management style. Just look at the current trends on social media and you can find examples.
Why do employees stay at these restaurants? Why would you want to go to work every day knowing that you would be subject to abuse in one form or another? Why would you tolerate the stress of this type of environment? Why would you let another human being have this type of control over you?
The break the restaurant industry is taking due to COVID-19 has given many employees the pause to think about how they were being treated. The social issues that have bubbled to the top of our consciousness today have given restaurant workers the freedom to ask; “Where else is there unacceptable behavior?” and they found it in their own life, at work.
The social consciousness of the day has expanded and taken on a personal meaning. Many workers have looked at the positive responses to the Black Lives Matter movement from some restaurant owners and chefs and called them out for not practicing what they preach in their own operations. Stories of racism, sexism and abuse have started to become public on social media. The chickens have come home to roost, as they say.
Years ago, a well-known restaurant owner invited me to his restaurant to talk. It was before service and he gave me a tour of the place. As we went through the kitchen he spoke to the staff, and the chef, in a way that I thought was subtly demeaning. The owner was known to be quirky and I didn’t really understand the depth of his disdain toward the staff. We sat down and he eventually got to the point of the meeting. He wanted to know if I was interested in buying his restaurant. While I was interested, I felt that something just wasn’t right, so I politely declined.
Some time later I was talking with a colleague who had worked at the restaurant. I asked what it was like to work for the owner. They told me a story about a meeting with the owner in the dining room before service. As they were talking a well-dressed Hispanic man came into the restaurant and approached the table. The owner asked, “what can we do for you?”. The Hispanic man said “I am looking for a job. Are you hiring?”. What are you looking to do? The owner asked. “I am looking for a server position” the man said. The owner quickly, and dismissively, replied “we don’t hire Mexicans for the Front of the House” and turned his head back to the conversation.
I can only imagine how that man felt. The rejection and belittlement must have stung. I also can imagine the effect that this had on the employees who heard it and the ones who would hear about it later. I know that many would dismiss this and say, “that’s just the way they are”. I also know that this was a sign of how they treated their staff and not a good sign. Their actions may not have been as obvious, but they would be just as damaging. I am sure that the owner had said many damaging and belittling things to employees. Yet the restaurant remained popular and many employees stayed.
I am hoping that this trend of calling out owners and chefs causes more of them to reflect on their behavior. You don’t need to be abusive to be successful in this business. If a manager is acting this way and says, “it’s my way or the highway”. Take the highway. They will probably insult you on the way out too, but you need to realize this reflects their weaknesses and not yours. Seek out the many chefs and owners in this business who believe in fair treatment and are supportive and care about their employees. Find the restaurant that wants to make you better instead of breaking you down. Don’t accept employment at a restaurant that treats their employees poorly. This needs to stop. Three cheers to those helping change the industry for the better.
Jerk Behavior and Overcoming it to Advance Sustainability
There are some classic signs your boss is a jerk. This sort of abuse is pervasive in toxic cultures. These tactics are meant to undermine your self-esteem, something that is vital to taking initiative and trying to drive positive change in the workplace or an industry. Along with my list of toxic behaviors to watch out for are some comments from Dr. Aurora Dawn Benton on how these can quash sustainability efforts and her tips for overcoming these.
Dismissiveness. You tell them about something that’s important to you and they say it’s nothing. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message.
Aurora: Dismissal of sustainability is rampant. Sustainability is often a passion project or labor of love and integral to the person bringing it up. When it is dismissed, it feels personal. And it doesn’t help if the person dismissing you is a jerk. My advice is to always remember that when someone is rejecting sustainability, they are rarely rejecting the idea because most of the time they do not even know what exactly sustainability is. The key here might be to present your interests in specific, rather than broad terms. Rather than just a generic “save the planet” stance, choose a very narrowed aspect of sustainability, such as plastics reduction, and know your stuff! Find short, high quality videos and interesting factoids on the subject so at least when you are dismissed you know you’ve shared some important truth. You never know what fruit that seed you planted will bear.
Put-downs of your interests and trivializing your position or feelings. They might tell you that your hobby is a childish waste of time or you’re out of your league when you play sports. They say you are overreacting to things.
Aurora: If your interest is something related to sustainability, then their response probably comes from their own lack of awareness. They don’t like the idea that you could know more about a topic than they do. The best way to bring credibility to your idea is to show them how successful chefs (or whatever the equivalent is for your scenario) have leveraged sustainability to create a better product, service, culture, and reputation. Use examples of chefs like Jose Andres to show your interests are aligned with industry thought leaders.
Belittling your accomplishments. Your abuser might tell you that your achievements mean nothing, or they may even claim responsibility for your success. “You only did that because I showed you how”.
Aurora: In sustainability, this is the “it’s never enough” syndrome. People often think that if you can’t solve the WHOLE problem why even bother at all. These people are very cynical and difficult to sway but one of the best ways to approach them is with numbers, hard facts and data! Many people engaging in sustainability are not comfortable doing the math. Get comfortable with collecting data and evidence so your accomplishments are simply undeniable!
Unilateral decision-making. They might change your plans at work or re-schedule your day because “they know better” how you should manage your time. Related to this is financial control and making you feel you have none.
Aurora: How decisions are made and money is spent are very powerful ways of exerting control in a business, but I also feel like the people at the lower levels don’t realize how much power they have because they’re the ones who handle waste, speak to customers, count inventory, etc. This is where courage and confidence come in. Many, many participants in my green team course started sustainability initiatives without their bosses really knowing much about what they were doing until it was too late and the positive results were too undeniable to ignore!
Lecturing. Belaboring your errors with long monologues makes it clear they think you’re beneath them.
Aurora: When it comes to sustainability, some people like to pontificate as if they are experts on a subject they really know little about. They figure if they over/out talk you then no one will find out how little they know. Or in some cases they know a lot about one aspect and that makes them an expert in all areas. I frequently find when I work with chefs on food waste, the beginning of the conversation is something like “we’re already doing all that can be done” and then they’ll go into great detail about all they are doing. I listen, observe, congratulate their efforts, then start asking questions about other options they have yet to explore. The key is, I respect that they DO know something about what they are talking about. Their choice to be a jerk about it may not feel great but usually once they’ve had a chance to show you how smart they are, they’ll take a breath and that’s your moment. The key, though, is to be ready. Be prepared. Do your research. Ask questions! Don’t fight lecturing with lecturing. Turn it into dialogue.
Denying something you know is true. An abuser will deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. This is called gaslighting. It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity.
Aurora: Sometimes bosses will agree to a sustainability initiative because they didn’t realize what they were approving. You caught them in a good (or bad) moment and they said yes without fully thinking it through. Then later, especially if you need resources or want to change anything about the operational processes they’ve established, they don’t recall giving permission or agreement. This can be really defeating so the best antidote is to avoid it in the first place by getting things in writing. If you have an informal conversation about an idea, follow it up with a professional and detailed plan. Ask specific questions about who will be responsible for what, how things will be done. If you have a detailed conversation about something, it’s harder to deny it happened. Also for dealing with this and many of the behaviors listed here, it’s vital to have partners - enlist coworkers to be your advocates in these efforts. Be don’t gang up on your jerk boss. You don’t want to be guilty of your own toxic behavior.
Shutting down communication. They’ll ignore your attempts at conversation in person, by text, or by phone.
Aurora: Another form of this is using corporate procedure and “rules” to make it seem like the conversation is not allowed. I’ve heard many excuses managers give for not allowing green teams to form. I specifically call out this example because a green team is inherently about expanding and promoting greater communication and bonding. Jerk bosses who fear this sort of comradery will do what they can to prevent it. Know the rules and play the game, but at a certain point, if this or other bad behavior persists, take your passion and energy where you’ll be appreciated and allowed to flourish!
